So much about being single is great: being able to eat, watch and do what you want; independence; no in-laws. But routine can easily turn into a rut, which makes life difficult if you want to find a relationship. We asked the experts how you might go about shaking things up.
Use apps with intention
It is easy to mistake a presence on dating apps with putting yourself out there. Unless you make an effort to meet people, apps can soon become a time-suck.
Annie Lord, a dating columnist for Vogue whose memoir Notes on Heartbreak will be published in June, recommends using them at a particular time, “rather than spending every evening just scrolling”, and making a plan to meet any promising matches as soon as possible.
Many people have profiles just for the ego boost, Lord says. “If you haven’t arranged a date within 48 hours of talking, it’s never going to happen. You can overthink it, or procrastinate. If you’ve had one OK conversation, you should probably just meet them.”
Given that an app is marketing its user base, it also pays to try a few; the Tinder experience – and crowd – is different from the Bumble one, for example. It is also normal, even advisable, to delete and re-download with your changing enthusiasms.
Jo, 45, used apps on and off for about five years after her marriage ended, when she was 34. “I was a bit wary, but I slowly learned that it’s a lot of luck – and not to take anything personally from someone you’ve never met.”
She met someone last year. Her top tips are to limit your activity and take months-long breaks. On her last venture on the dating scene, she swiped for no more than 10 minutes, a few times a week.
Be upfront about who you are and what you want …
It is tempting to try to maximise your matches, or search online for icebreakers or opening lines – but if you are looking for love, it is better to emphasise what is unique about you. (It won’t be your position on Hawaiian pizza.)
Mark Manson, the author of the bestselling self-help series The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, advocates emphasising your quirks to appeal to the 10% of people who will think you are fascinating and fun, instead of downplaying them for the 90% who will think you are merely fine. If you are not sure of your best or defining traits, ask a friend.
The same goes for what you are looking for: if you want a long-term relationship, or to be friends first, don’t be afraid to say so. The only people you will put off will be those who want something different. But emphasise what you do want, not what you don’t want: positive, upbeat profiles get more messages and matches.
Getting a second opinion on your profile doesn’t hurt. Jo says her partner’s profile stood out for its detailed description of his interests, which made it easy for her to ask questions, and several decent photographs (not selfies). “He told me later that a female friend helped him.”
… but be open to being surprised
Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist turned dating coach and the author of How to Not Die Alone, says people tend to fall into one of three categories: the romanticiser, chasing a fairytale; the maximiser, with a checklist, always out for the next best match; and the hesitator, who is seeking reasons not to start looking.
Instead, Ury suggests cultivating a “growth mindset”. If you see each date as a learning opportunity, it becomes less decisive.
Apps make it easy to be overprescriptive about a potential partner, but it is impossible to gauge chemistry or compatibility from a profile. If you are curious about someone, meet them.
“We’re so quick to judge,” says the comedian Katerina Robinson, 28. She ended up matched with a long list of tall, bearded project managers (“my type”) before recently having her horizons broadened by a BDSM enthusiast she met through work. “If you don’t keep an open mind, you’ll always end up dating different versions of the same person and never find out what you actually like.”
Plan a date that works for you
Pre-pandemic, meeting for the first time for a walk or on a video call would have been exceptional; now, all bets are off. Take advantage and arrange a date that you truly want to go on. (For women in particular, being proactive tends to be rewarded, OkCupid data shows.)
You might find dating becomes less daunting and easier to fit in. “Keep a first date short – and weekdays only. Don’t waste your weekend on a stranger,” says Jessica.
Prefer to test for a spark on a phone or video call before meeting in person? Since lockdown, many dating platforms have introduced calling functionality, so you don’t have to give out your number.
Feel yourself – literally and figuratively
Sensuality might not figure into your life as a single person, even if you have a healthy sex life. Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and the host of the podcast The Sexual Wellness Sessions, says it is important not to neglect the importance of touch – if only your own. “Building on the relationship with yourself and your body is not partner-dependent,” she says. “Take time to touch and explore your body, getting to know yourself and what you like – not just in terms of sexual pleasure, but in terms of sensuality and all-over body touch.”
Not only can this help to build your own body confidence, it can support you in communicating with a new partner, says Moyle.
Ury recommends establishing a pre-date ritual, such as calling a supportive friend or playing a favourite song, to help you approach the date “from a place of optimism and possibility”.
Forget flirting – just say hello
According to a 2020 YouGov survey, only one in 20 Britons in their 20s met their current or most recent partner “out and about” – at a gig, bar or bookshop, for example – versus one in five aged 50 to 64.
The fear of embarrassment and rejection makes swiping across screens much more attractive than approaching strangers in public – yet, for many, an old-fashioned “meet cute” remains the gold standard. Also, if we never return to the office full-time, another time-honoured path to romance will be diminished.
Lord says the direct approach is due a comeback: “I’ve been out recently and managed to talk to guys in bars in ways that I thought didn’t exist any more.” She relates it to the pandemic: “Everyone is so desperate for human contact. If you’re feeling a little bit awkward, it’s all right, because everyone is in the same boat.”
Instead of an obvious come-on, she suggests being friendly and striking up a conversation. “There’s less of a risk factor if you can find common ground that will make it seem less intrusive, and you’re not going to feel rejected if the conversation stops.”
If flirting seems foreign, keep it light, says Jean Smith, a “flirt coach” and the author of Flirtology: Stop Swiping, Start Talking and Find Love: “You’ll soon find it’s not as scary as you imagined. Just go up and say hi.”
Worried about being considered sleazy? Don’t be a sleaze
Many men are afraid of asking out women for fear of being seen as sleazy – but if your intentions are not sleazy, and you are sensitive to others and to the situation, it may be worth the fleeting discomfort.
“If you’re really attracted to a woman and think the vibe is right, but you’re scared to ask her out, ask yourself: ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’” says Kieran, 26. “Then walk yourself concretely through that worst-case scenario.”
If it is nothing more than a polite no and some mild embarrassment, he says “shoot your shot – send a DM or ask her for a drink like you’re ripping off a plaster. And if the answer is anything other than a resounding yes, take it as a no – and live to try another day.”
In my experience, the difference between a cynical come-on and a genuine compliment, offered without expectation, is like night and day.
Find a wing (wo)man – or couple
“Everyone has that friend who likes to slightly embarrass you and set you up with people when you’re out,” says Lord. “You’re like: ‘Oh, stop it’ – but secretly grateful.” Also, if it backfires, “you can always put the blame on them”.
Partnered people, in particular, love to hear dating stories. Put them to work by asking them to set you up with a single friend or colleague, or engineer an introduction to a stranger. Combining groups can often be less intimidating.
“Don’t be afraid to be the third wheel,” agrees Aaron, 42. When he went to a bar recently with coupled-up friends, they got talking to another couple, who thought Aaron might be a match for one of their friends. “They tried to get us to do a FaceTime date.”
Know when to work against type
Chemistry and compatibility are not always aligned. If you find yourself consistently attracted to traits that work against you – such as emotional unavailability – it is possible to heal through therapy or self-reflection.
“Try to focus on how you want to feel, rather than fixed attributes or characteristics that you think will make you happy,” says Moyle. Our concept of what is desirable in a partner, and what we should look for, is informed by factors we may not even be aware of, she says. “Considering or challenging these messages could be a really positive thing. In fact, feeling satisfied, intimate and connected may look different to how we imagined.”
Lizzie Cernik, who has interviewed many couples for the Guardian’s How we met column, says it can be helpful to reflect on your “attachment style” – your approach to intimate relationships, established in childhood. “Don’t look for what you want in a partner and try to tick boxes – look for what you need,” she says. “The two can be very different.”
Do the second date
Unless the first date was truly disastrous, Ury is in favour of a second. We tend to see people’s flaws first, which means we may mistake pet peeves for dealbreakers. As for the fabled spark, it is a terrible measure of compatibility, she says: “Chemistry can build over time.”
Making two dates your default minimum helps to unearth deeper points of connection, such as values and long-term goals, and “give more people a chance”, says Ury. How your date makes you feel – understood, dismissed, desirable, drained? – is a better measure than butterflies.
Even after a good date, it is easy to catastrophise about the future. “If something feels good, just appreciate it for what it is and go with it,” says Lord. “Don’t worry about whether they would get on with your family, or are the ‘kind of person’ you could see as your girlfriend. You have to give yourself a chance to see whether you like them. That isn’t leading someone on, or a bad thing to do.”
Know your hard lines
That said, it is helpful to know which lines you won’t cross, such as political differences or ambivalence about children. “Particularly when it comes to shared relationship goals, if you’re not on the same page, it’s unlikely that will change,” says Olivia, 34. “Don’t get too caught up on people who don’t match what you’re looking for – it saves a lot of time and energy.”
Generally, anyone who demonstrates controlling or problematic behaviour, is consistently poor at communicating or does not meet your effort equally “is probably worth walking away from”, Olivia says.
Smith gets her clients to list “five fundamentals” on which they won’t compromise: “It helps you weed out any time-wasters.”
As soon as you are confident that there is no future, it is kind to communicate it, even if you have had only one or two dates. It may be tempting to ghost the person, but Ury says it will only make you feel bad about yourself and depressed about dating. She recommends sending a short, polite message such as: “I don’t think we’re a romantic fit.” (You can lessen the sting of sending it by saving a template on your phone.)
If you receive such a message, Lord says, try not to take it to heart: “There are so many reasons why they might not want to be with you that probably don’t have anything to do with you.” Allow yourself to be excited about your next date: “Life would be so depressing if you didn’t have hope.”
Accept yourself and be vulnerable
It is common for single people to be told to “work on themselves”, or to learn to be content on their own before they go looking for love. But it is perfectly fine to want to be in a romantic relationship as you are.
Sure, you will probably be a better, more secure partner if you have some awareness of your relationship history and patterns. But love is not a marathon for which you have to train, as our societal fixation with self-improvement and personal responsibility can suggest.
Jenny, 25, says longtime single friends, seeking to reassure her, will often labour the advantages of single life. “I think: that’s wonderful for you – but there are days when all I want is a cuddle or someone to make dinner with,” she says. “Being able to admit that you want companionship and romance is healthy and, I believe, helpful when it comes to being single. It’s OK to have those days, as long as you are able to pick yourself up and keep going.”
Jenny says learning to open up and be vulnerable with friends has helped: “Being able to share your wants, desires and goals in life is a huge part of a romantic relationship – but friendships are also a loving relationship, just in a different way.”
Finally, don’t date if you don’t want to
It is easy to feel the pressure – from friends or family, or our couple-centric culture – to “put yourself out there”, but no one gains from you going on dates you don’t fancy. “Only date when you’re enjoying it,” says Alison. “Doing it for the sake of it will zap the joy from your life and take away much-needed energy reserves.”
A break can also bring clarity and perspective. Elena, 32, stopped dating after she realised that she had not healed from negative experiences in past relationships. “I realised that a lot of dating tropes – when do you text them back, when do you have sex with them, how do you not ‘scare them off’? – were triggering for me, so I opted out for a while.”
The pause gave her a chance to appreciate her life. “I’m doing great on my own – and realising that has made dating a lot less stressful,” she says. “Why do I need to find ‘the one’ when I’m quite happy with myself and my life?”
Kayleigh, 30, agrees: “You can be in total control of your happiness, with no compromises. Want to go to the cinema? You can. Fancy a trip away? Book it! Want to eat pizza in your PJs at 11am? No judgment! It’s super-freeing!”
Jen, 37, says: “I’ve done more dining, travelling and embarking on adventures alone in the last two years than ever before.” Being single through the pandemic, she learned to accept all parts of herself, including those she had previously disliked or shied away from. The experience has been life-changing, she says: “I know myself in ways I never thought possible.”
Now, she says, “I would so much rather be solo than in an unfulfilling relationship – when one is single, the possibilities are unlimited”.
Some names have been changed
Congratulations, Privacy Just Took A Great Leap Out the Window!
Your Data Is Being Used Without Your Permission And Knowledge
The Voice Of EU | In the heart of technological innovation, the collision between intellectual property rights and the development of cutting-edge AI technologies has sparked a significant legal battle. The New York Times has taken legal action against OpenAI and Microsoft, filing a lawsuit in Manhattan federal court. This legal maneuver aims to address concerns surrounding the unauthorized use of the Times’ content for the training of AI models, alleging copyright infringements that could potentially result in billions of dollars in damages.
This legal tussle underlines the escalating tension between technological advancements and the protection of intellectual property. The crux of the lawsuit revolves around OpenAI and Microsoft allegedly utilizing the Times’ proprietary content to advance their own AI technology, directly competing with the publication’s services. The lawsuit suggests that this unauthorized utilization threatens the Times’ ability to offer its distinctive service and impacts its AI innovation, creating a competitive landscape that challenges the publication’s proprietary content.
Amidst the growing digital landscape, media organizations like the Times are confronting a myriad of challenges. The migration of readers to online platforms has significantly impacted traditional media, and the advent of artificial intelligence technology has added another layer of complexity. The legal dispute brings to the forefront the contentious practice of AI companies scraping copyrighted information from online sources, including articles from media organizations, to train their generative AI chatbots. This strategy has attracted substantial investments, rapidly transforming the AI landscape.
The lawsuit highlights instances where OpenAI’s technology, specifically GPT-4, replicated significant portions of Times articles, including in-depth investigative reports. These outputs, alleged by the Times to contain verbatim excerpts from their content, raise concerns about the ethical and legal boundaries of using copyrighted material for AI model training without proper authorization or compensation.
The legal action taken by the Times follows attempts to engage in discussions with Microsoft and OpenAI, aiming to address concerns about the use of its intellectual property. Despite these efforts, negotiations failed to reach a resolution that would ensure fair compensation for the use of the Times’ content while promoting responsible AI development that benefits society.
In the midst of this legal battle, the broader questions surrounding the responsible and ethical utilization of copyrighted material in advancing technological innovations come to the forefront.
The dispute between the Times, OpenAI, and Microsoft serves as a significant case study in navigating the intricate intersection of technological progress and safeguarding intellectual property rights in the digital age.
Conflicted History: ‘Oppenheimer’ And Its Impact On Los Alamos And New Mexico Downwinders
‘Oppenheimer’ And Its Impact On Los Alamos And New Mexico Downwinders
The Voice Of EU | In the highly anticipated blockbuster movie, “Oppenheimer,” the life of J. Robert Oppenheimer, the man behind the first atomic bomb, is portrayed as a riveting tale of triumph and tragedy.
As the film takes center stage, it also brings to light the often-overlooked impacts on a community living downwind from the top-secret Manhattan Project testing site in southern New Mexico.
A Forgotten Legacy
While the film industry and critics praise “Oppenheimer,” a sense of frustration prevails among the residents of New Mexico’s Tularosa Basin, who continue to grapple with the consequences of the Manhattan Project. Tina Cordova, a cancer survivor and founder of the Tularosa Basin Downwinders Consortium, expresses their feelings, stating, “They invaded our lives and our lands and then they left,” referring to the scientists and military personnel who conducted secret experiments over 200 miles away from their community.
The Consortium, alongside organizations like the Union of Concerned Scientists, has been striving to raise awareness about the impact of the Manhattan Project on New Mexico’s population. Advocates emphasize the necessity of acknowledging the human cost of the Trinity Test, the first atomic blast, and other nuclear weapons activities that have affected countless lives in the state.
The Ongoing Struggle for Recognition
As film enthusiasts celebrate the drama and brilliance of “Oppenheimer,” New Mexico downwinders feel overlooked by both the U.S. government and movie producers. The federal government’s compensation program for radiation exposure still does not include these affected individuals. The government’s selection of the remote and flat Trinity Test Site, without warning residents in the surrounding areas, further added to the controversy.
Living off the land, the rural population in the Tularosa Basin had no idea that the fine ash settling on their homes and fields was a result of the world’s first atomic explosion.
The government initially attempted to cover up the incident, attributing the bright light and rumble to an explosion at a munitions dump. It was only after the U.S. dropped atomic bombs on Japan weeks later that New Mexico residents realized the magnitude of what they had witnessed.
Tracing the Fallout
According to the Manhattan Project National Historical Park, large amounts of radiation were released into the atmosphere during the Trinity Test, with fallout descending over a vast area. Some of the fallout reached as far as the Atlantic Ocean, but the greatest concentration settled approximately 30 miles from the test site.
“Now I Am Become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.”
J. Robert Oppenheimer
The consequences of this catastrophic event have affected generations of New Mexicans, who still await recognition and justice for the harm caused by nuclear weapons.
A Tale of Contrasts: Los Alamos and the Legacy of Oppenheimer
As the film’s spotlight shines on the life of J. Robert Oppenheimer, a contrasting narrative unfolds in Los Alamos, more than 200 miles north of the Tularosa Basin. Los Alamos stands as a symbol of Oppenheimer’s legacy, housing one of the nation’s premier national laboratories and boasting the highest percentage of people with doctorate degrees in the U.S.
Oppenheimer’s influence is evident throughout Los Alamos, with a street bearing his name and an IPA named in his honor at a local brewery. The city embraces its scientific legacy, showcasing his handwritten notes and ID card in a museum exhibit. Los Alamos National Laboratory employees played a significant role in the film, contributing as extras and engaging in enlightening discussions during breaks.
The “Oppenheimer” Movie
Director Christopher Nolan’s perspective on the Trinity Test and its profound impact is evident in his approach to “Oppenheimer.” He has described the event as an extraordinary moment in human history and expressed his desire to immerse the audience in the pivotal moment when the button was pushed. Nolan’s dedication to bringing historical accuracy and emotional depth to the screen is evident as he draws inspiration from Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin’s Pulitzer Prize-winning book, “American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer.”
For Nolan, Oppenheimer’s story is a potent blend of dreams and nightmares, capturing the complexity and consequences of the Manhattan Project. As the film reaches global audiences, it also offers a unique opportunity to raise awareness about the downwinders in New Mexico, whose lives were forever altered by the legacy of nuclear weapons testing.
The Oppenheimer Festival and Beyond
Los Alamos is determined to use the Oppenheimer Festival as an opportunity to educate visitors about the true stories behind the film’s events. The county’s “Project Oppenheimer” initiative, launched in early 2023, encompasses forums, documentaries, art installations, and exhibits that delve into the scientific contributions of the laboratory and the social implications of the Manhattan Project.
A special area during the festival will facilitate discussions about the movie, fostering a deeper understanding of the community’s history. The county aims to continue revisiting and discussing the legacy of the Manhattan Project, ensuring that the impact of this pivotal moment in history is never forgotten.
As “Oppenheimer” takes audiences on an emotional journey, it serves as a reminder that every historical event carries with it complex and multifaceted implications. The movie may celebrate the scientific achievements of the past, but it also illuminates the urgent need to recognize and address the human cost that persists to this day.
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GSK’s Mosquirix Is Revolutionizing The Fight Against Malaria
GSK’s Mosquirix And The Fight Against Malaria
Advancements in Malaria Prevention:
Researchers have made remarkable progress in both prevention and treatment strategies for malaria. The World Health Organization’s recommendation of dual-ingredient insecticide-treated bed nets in March 2023 marks a significant milestone in preventing malaria transmission by Anopheles mosquitoes. These nets, including those with more lethal insecticide combinations and those disrupting mosquito growth, are key tools in malaria prevention efforts.
LEARN MORE: ALL ABOUT HEALTHCARE
The Importance of Cost-Effective Antimalarial Medicines:
Cost-effective antimalarial medicines play a crucial role in combating malaria. In 2021, approximately 45 million children between the ages of three months and five years received seasonal malaria chemoprevention, which involved monthly doses of therapeutic drugs at a cost of less than $4 per person. While this approach has shown promising results, the development of a groundbreaking vaccine brings renewed hope.
GSK’s Mosquirix (RTS,S) Vaccine:
GSK’s Mosquirix, also known as RTS,S, is an innovative vaccine that has the potential to transform the fight against malaria. This vaccine offers hope in preventing the disease, particularly among children in malaria-endemic regions. Although the current cost is relatively high, around $40 per child for the first year, it presents an essential step forward in malaria prevention efforts.
The Persistent Threat of Malaria:
Despite substantial investments of $26 billion to combat malaria in Sub-Saharan Africa, the number of cases has seen a slight increase between 2000 and 2019, although the number of deaths has decreased. This highlights the need for new prevention measures tailored to vulnerable populations, especially children. Taking inspiration from the Covid-19 pandemic, where monoclonal antibodies have demonstrated their potential, similar approaches could be explored in the fight against malaria.
The Potential of Monoclonal Antibodies:
Monoclonal antibodies, laboratory-made copies of immune system proteins, have shown immense potential in combating various diseases, including cancer and autoimmune disorders. Their remarkable selectivity and ability to target specific molecular markers make them an attractive option for preventive interventions. Researchers at the United States National Institutes of Health, led by Robert Seder, have identified two antibodies that target CSP-1, a protein used by the malaria parasite to invade liver cells. Clinical trials are currently underway in Mali and Kenya to assess their safety and efficacy, focusing on seasonal and year-round malaria transmission settings.
Monoclonal antibodies have the potential to be a game-changer in malaria prevention, advancing the long-sought goal of eradication. The latest generation of antimalarial antibodies offers extended protection, with a single dose potentially safeguarding a child for at least three months, if not longer. Clinical trials will determine the extent and duration of this protection and guide future improvements to achieve a once-a-year injection.
Making Monoclonal Antibodies Accessible:
While monoclonal antibodies are often associated with high costs, efforts to increase their potency could significantly reduce expenses. It is estimated that an injection as small as one milliliter of the antibody drug being trialed in Mali and Kenya could protect children at a cost of only $5-10 per person. To ensure accessibility, it is crucial to engage national regulatory agencies and involve affected countries in the production of these biologics. While manufacturing antibodies is a complex and regulated process, investing in the necessary technology now would greatly benefit developing economies burdened by endemic malaria.
Addressing Disparities and Raising Awareness:
Currently, demand for monoclonal antibodies primarily comes from high-income countries, with Africa accounting for only 1% of global sales. This disparity underscores the importance of working with national regulatory agencies to address public health concerns and involve affected countries in the production and distribution of these life-saving biologics. Collaboration among government, academia, and industry is crucial to coordinate advocacy efforts and raise awareness about the potential of monoclonal antibodies in malaria prevention.
Preparing for Success:
While the deployment of the first generation of antimalarial antibodies is expected to occur no earlier than 2027, it is essential to start preparing for their potential success now. These antibodies hold tremendous promise as a powerful weapon in the fight against malaria, alongside bed nets, medicines, and emerging vaccines. Clinical trials will provide vital information on the extent of their efficacy, duration of protection, and dosage requirements. It is imperative to remain proactive and ensure that the necessary infrastructure and policies are in place to facilitate the widespread adoption of these breakthrough treatments.
Combining Science & Research:
As the world continues to battle the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, it is crucial not to overlook the persistent threat of malaria, especially in regions heavily impacted by poverty. While significant progress has been made in malaria prevention and treatment, the development of innovative solutions like GSK’s Mosquirix vaccine and the potential of monoclonal antibodies offer renewed hope in the fight against this deadly disease. By harnessing the lessons learned from Covid-19 research and engaging in collaborative efforts, we can work towards a future where malaria is no longer a major public health concern. Together, we can strive for the eradication of malaria and ensure a healthier future for vulnerable populations worldwide.
By Laura Richardson | Independent Contributor “The Voice Of EU“
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