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Alex Gallagher: the 10 funniest things I have ever seen (on the internet) | Comedy

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There’s no way of dressing it up or making it out to be a more noble, onerous pursuit than it is: I am deeply online.

In the decade and a half that I’ve been plugged into the mainframe I’ve increasingly developed a concerning Pavlovian response to the internet, wherein joy is analogous to whatever cursed content my cyber-spelunking has managed to unearth that day.

Captivated, like the dog I am, salivating shamelessly as a faceless multinational corporation’s Twitter account posts the Bernie Sanders mittens meme, or a gang of millionaire celebrities team up to sing a John Lennon song together, or a new round of passionate Twitter discourse erupts over whether or not charcuterie boards are a tool of classism. Ring ring, the bell sounds, and my little dopamine bar is topped up. The clock resets.

Obviously, we don’t have time to process any of that in a constructive sense here and now. But, silver linings being what they are, I can at least show you some of the things that have made living on the internet for most of my adult life a less (or more, as may be the case) nightmarish journey through the abyss. Enjoy.

1. Conservative lecturer DESTROYS SJW college student

I love Jeremy Levick and Rajat Suresh, a pair of comedians and writers who make a lot of very funny, absurd content together. The crème de la crème, in my mind, is this video, which skewers the swathes of pro-conservative clips on YouTube in which we’re promised we’ll get to witness a masterly rightwing thinker obliterate a snivelling progressive worm through the power of logic. Define “special mouse”.

2. Dueling Carls

There’s a great and storied lineage of internet video built around the basic conceit that it’s funny when you make voice technology descend into fits of unintelligible screaming. Dueling Carls works on this very simple premise but has a huge and almost instantaneous payoff. You’ll probably want to turn your speakers down a little for this one.

3. Fake Tim Winton

Fake Tim Winton is a gift to Australian literature, a playful parody of the Cloudstreet author’s fondness for larrikinism, the beach, and coastal towns with terrible secrets. I think the best part about @timmwinto’s tweets are they honestly don’t require any prior knowledge of Winton’s work to be funny. All you need is to open your heart to the musings of a regular bloke who just wants to write his novels and ride his waves in a community reeling from a shocking crime that threatens to tear it apart.

4. Grimes’ pregnancy diet video

Harper’s Bazaar have a video series called Food Diaries where they get celebrities to talk about everything they eat in a day. Most of them are fairly boring – famous people trying extremely hard to be relatable and missing the mark completely. Electronic musician and genuine weirdo Grimes makes no such attempt in hers, and it’s an absolute blessing. Highlights include the revelation she ate nothing but spaghetti for two years, and the recipe for a truly cursed dish she says she invented called “sludge”.

5. Patricia Lockwood’s @parisreview tweet

Patricia Lockwood is a great poet and author whose recent book No One Is Talking About This is excellent, particularly if you are Extremely Online. You might also know Lockwood from her very popular “You kick Miette” tweet. I can understand why that’s the one that sticks with a lot people, but the simplicity of this one, from 2013, makes it for me.

6. Bin Laden has won

You may know Richard Dawkins for being a (fairly insufferable) atheist, but what you might not know is that he’s also – completely unintentionally – a master poster. Just this month he got gloriously dunked on after basically admitting he doesn’t understand the point of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis . In this 2013 tweet, we witness Dawkins’ assertion that “Bin Laden has won” because he had to throw out a jar of honey at an airport. It’s enough to make you restore your faith in a higher power.

7. Donald Trump claims to have beaten Pokémon despite not “catching them all”

Predictably, Donald Trump’s presidency prompted swaths of comedians to devise convoluted bits where they impersonated him, from Sarah Cooper’s viral videos to Alec Baldwin’s SNL character. These were almost all terrible, something I attribute to the fact there’s actually very little comedy to mine from hammering home the point that Trump’s views and policies were horrific, something so obvious it’s kind of low-hanging fruit. James Austin Johnson takes a different direction in his impersonations. Instead, here is nearly four straight minutes of the former President of the United States complaining about there being too many Pokémon.

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8. I see something Lynchian

This tweet by writer and performer Walker Caplan has stuck with me since I saw it earlier this year, and I’ve probably referenced it in conversation half a dozen times. As a painfully stubborn nightmare of a person, “[getting angry and lying]” hits me deep in my bones.

9. BUT NO OPEN MOUTH

There’s no way I could write a list like this without including @dril – the OG, the king, the account that taught me I could be weird (on Twitter dot com). There are too many incredible tweets to choose from, but this gets me every single time.

10. Hannibal Buress’ Morpheus

At this point in my life I’ve seen Hannibal Buress’ Morpheus skit from The Eric Andre Show a thousand times and it still makes me laugh. There are few things one can be truly certain of in this random and perplexing hell world, but I know with total confidence that “seashells by the seashore-pheus” will live in my brain rent-free for the rest of my life.

Alex Gallagher is a writer, journalist and poet who lives on the internet. Follow them on Twitter at @lexgallagher.



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I can’t charge my electric car cheaply because I’m too close to an RAF base | Money

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A few months ago I decided to switch energy supplier and moved to Octopus Energy’s Go tariff, principally because it offers cheap electric car charging overnight at a rate of 5p/kWh.

I applied to have the required smart meter installed. But after being given a date, I was later declined on the basis that smart meters cannot work at my address because they interfere with the missile early warning system at RAF Fylingdales.

Initially, I thought this was a joke. I have been involved with the construction of hundreds of new homes in Teesside, all of which have had smart meters installed.

Smart Energy GB, the body responsible for the rollout, has confirmed that this is very real, and smart meters installed in the area will not have had their smart capacity turned on.

I was told that a new meter is being worked upon and will eventually replace those already installed.

Meanwhile, I am having to charge my car at a premium rate of 16.76p/kWh which is costing me about £26 more a week than it would be on the Go tariff.

AM, Guisborough

Given that your house is more than 20 miles from the RAF base in question, I, too, was amazed that this could be an issue, but it is – and also in other areas close to bases.

Smart Meter GB has confirmed this is the case and says it is working on a solution – a communications hub that will enable people living near sensitive RAF sites to use smart meters.

It says these will be offered to customers “in the coming months”.

It adds those in the affected area, who had already had smart meters installed should be able to have the hubs retrofitted.

Meanwhile, Octopus has come up with a solution for your problem. It has offered to add you to the trial of these new meters, which, in turn, will allow you to go on the Go tariff.

It says it hopes to install your new meter before Christmas. It has also said that if you get the log from your charging firm, showing how much electricity you have used for the car since the switch took place, it will retroactively apply the savings that you would have gained had the smart meter worked from the start – a generous offer.

We welcome letters but cannot answer individually. Email consumer.champions@theguardian.com or write to Guardian, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Include a phone number. Letters are subject to our terms: gu.com/letters-terms

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China’s Yutu rover spots ‘mysterious hut’ on far side of the Moon

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Cube-shaped object is probably just a rock. Yutu will check it out anyway

China’s Moon rover, Yutu 2, has sent images of a strangely geometric object.…

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Strikepay struck gold at National Startup Awards 2021

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Strikepay, founded by fintech entrepreneurs Oli Cavanagh and Charles Dowd, scooped the top award for its fast-growing cash-free tipping tech.

Irish fintech company Strikepay has scooped the top prize at this year’s National Startup Awards.

The start-up, previously called Strike, was founded in 2020 to enable cash-free tipping without the need for a payment terminal or a new app on a customer’s phone.

Its founders, fintech entrepreneurs Oli Cavanagh and Charles Dowd, raised €625,000 in seed funding earlier this year and said they intended to seek a further €6.5m in investment by the end of 2021.

Strikepay has already begun acquiring and collaborating with other companies to bolster its product offering. In June, it acquired UK payments rival Gratsi and in April it appointed former Just Eat exec Edel Kinane as its chief growth officer.

Earlier in the year, it teamed up with Camile Thai Kitchen to enable contactless tipping for food delivery drivers and partnered with mobility company Bolt to bring its cashless tipping technology to taxis in Dublin.

Strikepay was one of several winners at the awards ceremony, which was livestreamed last night (2 December).

Other winners included health-tech start-up Stimul.ai, customer analysis tech business Glimpse, and sheep monitoring start-up Cotter Agritech, which has been participating in a new accelerator programme at University College Dublin.

As well as taking the top award, Strikepay also won Best Fintech Startup.

This year marked the 10th year of the National Startup Awards. The event was sponsored by Enterprise Ireland, Microfinance Ireland, Sage, Cronin Accountants and McCann Fitzgerald.

Last year’s top award was given to drone delivery service Manna. The start-up had been working with companies such as Tesco, Just Eat and Camile Thai to test its drones, and has seen further growth since then.

The full list of winners at the 2021 awards, in order of gold, silver and bronze, are:

Startup of the Year 2021

Strikepay

Early Stage Startup

Imvizar, CyberPie, The Fifth Dimension

Emerge Tech Startup

Xunison, Helgen Technologies, LiveCosts.com

Fintech Startup

Strikepay, ID-Pal, Itus Secure Technologies

Food and Drink Startup

Fiid, SiSú, Thanks Plants

Social or Sustainable Startup

Altra, Peer, Fifty Shades Greener

Product and Manufacturing Startup

Cotter Agritech, Orca Board, Filter

E-commerce and Retail Startup

FinalBend, The Book Resort, Nufields

Tech Startup

Glimpse, LegitFit, Examfly

Medtech Startup

Stumul.ai, SymPhysis Medical, Bonafi

Covid Pivot or Response Startup

Zoom Party/Find A Venue, KSH Group, Streat School

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